.just.memories.

your hands on my hips,

when you kissed my lips;

the way you stuck by

when i'd gone awry;

you held me forever,

and knew every lever;

that's why.

the drives in my car

to nowhere real far;

the real late-night talks,

the nice mid-day walks;

me laying on your chest,

and you knowing me best;

that's why.

love. 

who knows if it's real?

who knows if there's better?

all i know is what i feel,

and right now,

all i feel

is that i love him,

and it rips my heart

out of my chest

more with every

moment shared

and memory

remembered.

.disabled.

tears fall endlessly,

these sobs rack my body,

i have no control.

for once, words falter;

i have no choice,

i lay here disabled...

my mouth glued shut with a silent scream imprisoned,

eyes staring ahead with a steady stream of pain,

heart breaking slowly with no wish of tomorrow.

my body feels like death on this bed,

though every muscle is tense

with every painful thought.

i'm dying inside,

and i don't want anyone to know.

i just want to keep this face.

i want to find happiness.

i want to have people

who are here,

even when i'm not.

but that's not realistic.

life is harsh and rash.

sometimes, i don't think i'm meant for life.

sometimes, i don't think i can handle it anymore.

Unwanted Sorrys

you're the one thing that surely makes me feel whole, even when i'm broken;

you know my worries and fears, and they don't scare you off;

you reach out to hold me when i don't know i want you,

and you make everything better.

but what happens when you are the problem,

when your words tell two stories that don't coincide,

and i don't know which to believe?

i'm scared of making the wrong choice,

but i have no idea what is right and wrong,

so how am i to choose?

i don't want to lose you, but i don't want to keep you

if you keep relying on the sorrys i shouldn't need 

to remedy the mistakes you know not to make.

so shall we jump down the rabbit hole once more, 

or is this the part where the story ends?

a big part of me wants to experience the jump again,

just not the horrid landing.

show me the path you see without your words,

because at this point, i need some action of reassurance.

.religion in death.

i wonder what it feels like

to be dead...

if it's as free and peaceful

as they say,

if no more tears are shed

in sadness,

if loved ones can be watched

and cared for,

if happiness is inherent

every day,

if time is no longer significant

and none lost,

if negative feelings are only

memories,

if everything is finally good.

i hope to have many days left, of happiness and sadness, love and loss, pleasure and tragedy, to learn the lessons meant for me in this life.

but i await the day i can finally sleep peacefully, laugh fully, and know surely.

if i'm lucky enough, i will find moments in my mortal life where i can relish in these awesome feelings.

if not, (and even if i do,) i pray for my day of judgement to have a happy ending

so i can finally exist in peace.

epiphonies

i'm not who i used to be, 

and it's all because of you.

the love i hold for you

has proved it's not going anywhere.

i tried to leave it behind,

i suppressed it and convinced myself

that none of it was real,

and did a pretty good job,

for a while.

but eventually, reality surfaced.

i went through

jealousy,

hate,

rage,

loss and sadness.

but the worst was thinking you'd moved on,

and having no one to blame but myself.

i couldn't blame you...

you waited your turn,

it just came too late.

now it's my turn to wait.

i'm done with the jealousy,

because we're not going anywhere.

i'm done with the hate,

because anyone would have done the same.

i'm yours, babe,

and i'm done with knowing anything but that.

i love you, with all my heart.

always have.

always will.

when you feel love, hold on to it. do everything you can to keep it, even if you've lost it.

sometimes, second (and more) chances don't come so easily, but that shouldn't stop you from attempting to get them anyway.

the circle of life.

the leaf falls gracefully through the air,

it dances with the wind,

does flip flops over and over,

kisses the sunlight in mid-flight.

as it draws nearer toward the ground, 

the sky goes dark;

a cat jumps and claws at the leaf, 

fraying its beautiful structure.

the wind blows harder now, 

tearing at it with ferocity,

while the rain comes down

and drowns its everything.

it should be done soon, there should be ground.

when the leaf looks around,

it's falling again in the sunlight,

all over again.

Reflective Dreams

The only place i can go to relax and escape

has been filled with thoughts of you,

replacing my dreamless sanctuary

with an endless nightmare.

i awake in horror at the visions i remember;

a play by play of everything that really happened,

but in different form.

i relive the pain in surprise,

i thought this pain was over;

i thought i escaped,

by forbidding myself to think.

still, you snuck in.

it seems you always do.

A Foreshadow.

If you are looking for something in particular, this blog will not fulfill your wishes.

I write about life, theories, love, downfall, mediocrities, disappointments, replacement...

I write about my thought through life's experiences, most of the time sporadically.

You will not find what you want to hear here.

Rather, Truth.

Through my eyes.

Forever Yours,

Stellah