.contemplation.

sitting atop a hill
i contemplate
trying to get my fill
resuscitate
fish without a gill
please permeate
my mind a constant mill
cooperate
the world completely still
continuate
and i just run until
exonerate

.ghost.

a ghost, drifting along,

tries to build life

but only floats through

the events of others';

tries to create fun,

but can't depend on

people to take part;

tries to love friends,

but can only be seen

as a ghost.

the ghost is

not

a ghost at all.

how does a life

keep from feeling

so dead

when the elements

of life

elude it so?

by redefining life,

leaving elusives behind,

and

creating solitary happiness.

.insomniatic.love.theorization.

future love is exciting.

current love is passionate.

past love is haunting.

missed love is regretful.

love is great.. when you're in it, and the other returns it; when the good parts outweigh the bad. but it's really just a taunting ass when you have none.

the best and the worst of the human condition can be shown through love, especially of what i specifically speak between two people "in love;" or even one person enamored, and one person clueless or, worse, uninterested.

when you love someone, you can't help it... the intensity can be so surreal. i mean, a simple look that you're not used to getting can run someone's imagination, when in reality the looker meant nothing more than a simple, quiet hello. and the way it lasts can truly kill... with no control over where your brain goes, love may be long gone and thoughts of ifs, ands, memories, maybes, and withdrawal attack your heart through your millions of synapses.

past love can be a great way to learn all kinds of valuable things about yourself, your expectations, and your wants and needs in a partner. it can also be such a haunting set of memories, wishes and current realities. time may pass by, but hauntings know no time... they stay as long as the void is present in the heart.

perhaps the worst part of love is the lack of control we possess over it. even if we know what is right and wrong in reality, and we try to control where we go in our love life, our heart isn't obedient... it's going to feel however it feels regardless of how we want it to feel. this can leave us feeling stuck in time, because, really, a part of us is. with this lack of control over our heart, we can't pull ourselves up to reality no matter how we try. we just have to keep looking for situations to pull us back to where we want to be.

even then, where a person wants to be may change frequently. reality is, in fact, an ever changing concept, molded by numerous factors in a person's life. reality is another aspect of a person's life that they cannot control. they may only speculate and theorize at reality, but it is too liquid of a concept to hammer into stone. with that in mind, how would we ever settle on what we want when our reality changes? because our heart changes at a much slower rate than our brain and reality; therefore, love fades and grows more slowly than any of use realize.

i was recently told (again) "if you want to make God laugh, make plans." the more i live, the more i see the truth in this, whether viewing God as the planner, or science as the ruling theories.

so instead of planning,

just live.

.demons.

i have nothing smart to say right now.

i feel alone, even when people say they're with me.

know why?

because they never show me they are.

i'm easily excited by a single text, a small note...

it's how i know people remember me in their busy lives.

if i don't have people, what do i have?

i have me.

but i'm a mess of tangled demons.

a rare few know of these demons in me, though perhaps many have experienced the outlash of them.

they make me a hell to live with, especially when it's all i've got.

when i let others in, i too often feel used, betrayed, or otherwise hurt.

but sometimes i wonder if it's just these demons attacking my brain, planting these thoughts in my head, these thoughts that i'll be alone forever, that no one cares.

yes, i go by action, but maybe i'm too sensitive or paranoid.

i just don't know anymore.

.just.memories.

your hands on my hips,

when you kissed my lips;

the way you stuck by

when i'd gone awry;

you held me forever,

and knew every lever;

that's why.

the drives in my car

to nowhere real far;

the real late-night talks,

the nice mid-day walks;

me laying on your chest,

and you knowing me best;

that's why.

love. 

who knows if it's real?

who knows if there's better?

all i know is what i feel,

and right now,

all i feel

is that i love him,

and it rips my heart

out of my chest

more with every

moment shared

and memory

remembered.

.disabled.

tears fall endlessly,

these sobs rack my body,

i have no control.

for once, words falter;

i have no choice,

i lay here disabled...

my mouth glued shut with a silent scream imprisoned,

eyes staring ahead with a steady stream of pain,

heart breaking slowly with no wish of tomorrow.

my body feels like death on this bed,

though every muscle is tense

with every painful thought.

i'm dying inside,

and i don't want anyone to know.

i just want to keep this face.

i want to find happiness.

i want to have people

who are here,

even when i'm not.

but that's not realistic.

life is harsh and rash.

sometimes, i don't think i'm meant for life.

sometimes, i don't think i can handle it anymore.

Unwanted Sorrys

you're the one thing that surely makes me feel whole, even when i'm broken;

you know my worries and fears, and they don't scare you off;

you reach out to hold me when i don't know i want you,

and you make everything better.

but what happens when you are the problem,

when your words tell two stories that don't coincide,

and i don't know which to believe?

i'm scared of making the wrong choice,

but i have no idea what is right and wrong,

so how am i to choose?

i don't want to lose you, but i don't want to keep you

if you keep relying on the sorrys i shouldn't need 

to remedy the mistakes you know not to make.

so shall we jump down the rabbit hole once more, 

or is this the part where the story ends?

a big part of me wants to experience the jump again,

just not the horrid landing.

show me the path you see without your words,

because at this point, i need some action of reassurance.